I Am Not Mom Enough

The nation is in uproar.

About breastfeeding.

Ridiculous, much?

Now, I could write an essay about why no one should be surprised Time’s latest cover has sparked such fierce debate. I could say that basic critical thinking tells us that the cover blurb, “Are You Mom Enough?” would, combined with the cover image, imply that those who do breastfeed their preschoolers are “mom enough” and if that is the case then the moms who don’t do that, logically, are not “mom enough.” And we know that Time did that on purpose, because we understand sensationalism in media sells. Do you remember what was on the cover of Time last week? I rest my case.

But we already know all that because we all took logic and rhetoric in school. Oh, wait, we didn’t? OK, well I did, so trust me.

No, instead of joining the ranting masses, I thought I’d just come clean about all the things I am not mom enough to do.

1.  Breastfeed my children until they are in preschool. I didn’t even last a year. Emmeline bit me, so that was the end of her. And Gareth, well, I just wanted to be able to go on a date without having to perfectly time the movie between feeding sessions.
2. Cut all sugar out of my children’s diet. We here in the Krebs house are big fans of fruit snacks. And cookies. And candy. So no, my children will not ever confuse fruit with candy. I will never get to brag about that.
3. Share my Girl Scout cookies. I deliberately hide them from Emmeline every year so I won’t have to share. I’ve made it my goal to keep her from finding out about Girl Scout cookies for as long as I can. This could also fall under, “I am not wife enough” because I order separate boxes for me and Josh and then label them so no one accidentally eats the other’s cookies.
4. Potty train with patience, love, and consistency–or even just potty train at all. She’s almost to the point where she can change her own diaper though, so then I figure she can just take over for me, and that’s almost the same thing as being toilet trained.
5. Practice good daily hygiene on my kids. I can’t seem to remember to brush those little teeth twice a day. Don’t worry though, I usually remember either the morning or the evening brush. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve forgotten to bathe them. But again, no worries–when they’re sticky to the touch, I at least wipe them down with a wet rag. And I give them baths and brush their teeth before church on Sunday, so we’re just on the medieval bathing schedule.
6. Use a diaper change as an opportunity to bond with my child. All those commercials and magazines that show moms lovingly giggling and playing with their child while they wipe the kid’s stinky behind? Not me. But hey! Maybe I can turn our wrestling matches into a game. We can call it, “Gareth! Just. Be. Still!”
7. Prevent my neuroses from rubbing off on my children. Last week, Emmeline, thanks to me, was convinced that the grass was “Danger! Scary! Can bite you!” And wouldn’t go outside barefoot. That night Josh stepped in–he is dad enough–and convinced Emmeline and me both that the grass was perfectly safe.
8. Come up with fun, wholesome activities so we don’t have to resort to watching tons of TV. Yes. I let the TV babysit my kids in the morning so I can take a shower. I like my shower toddler-free. Call me selfish.
9. Wear Gareth in my baby carrier for hours each day–even though he loves it–so we can bond. It is wonderful. It is the best baby carrier I’ve ever owned. But darnit, the kid weighs 22 lbs. After a while, he starts to hurt.
10. Wake up at 5 am so I can read my Bible, shower, pray, eat breakfast, and exercise before my family wakes up. I actually tried to wake up at 6 once, but Emmeline just started waking up earlier too. Most mornings I just get up when they wake up and hope for the best.

So there you have it. A list of all the things that I guilt myself about. Judge away! But you know what, if you ask Emmeline, “Who does Mommy love the mostest?” She’ll answer, “Emmie and Gareth.” So I must be doing something right.